Some of those among us have been making noise about our recent spate of hiring. Why, you ask, are we hiring during this jobless recovery when no one else is. Why buck the trend? Can’t we do what are competitors are doing and just work the staff harder?
Well, that presumes something that you may have lost sight of. Other companies are able to leverage the fear of layoffs and hard times to eek out some extra sweat from their labor pool. Suddenly businesses everywhere have seen tremendous boosts in work flow from their remaining staff because their remaining staff fears “being next.” Those poor schlubs, if they would only see the light and slack off a bit, more of their jobless friends and family would get work. Ah well, that’s why they are “them” and we are “us” right?
Anyway, Micramazoggle doesn’t have that option. That’s because you lot mastered the art of terrorizing our employees into higher levels of productivity long, long ago. Need I remind you of the masterfully executed Reward For Excellence program? Mr. Ettinger’s insight that we could treat our employees like collateralized debt obligations was brilliant. I sweetly remember the dread on the faces of our staff when we announced that we were going to group them into tranches based on how well they performed. “Our little investments” we would call them, and all the bottom tranche gets for a reward is a nicely written pink slip. The resulting scramble to stay out of the bottom tranche generated hundreds of extra hours of unpaid labor per employee each year.
Then there was Ms. William’s Targets For The Future review strategy. The concept that we could give each person a set of targets at the start of the year and then use those targets for performance reviews was very compelling. Sort of like fire and forget missiles, we only had to work just a few days a year, give them some vaguely worded “targets”, and then we were done. I really liked the subtle effect of giving groups conflicting targets and letting them go at it. We got some pretty nifty products from the creative destruction, and our ever vigilant lackeys were able to scoop up the best ones to put in our personal portfolios. The losing teams, of course, made great candidates for the bottom tranche.
Unfortunately, we have to pay the price of our success and start hiring to keep up with the growing economy. Good thing too, our HR staff was starting to look too comfortable. At any rate, I’m told that for every position we open up, we get 50 applicants, so we have lots of bodies to throw into the tranches.
I hope this explains the strategy well enough to quite down the more vociferous of you. Feel free to talk about it with me out on the greens. I’m looking forward, as I’m sure do you, to having another relaxing and profitable year at Micramazoggle.