From the Desk of the CEO

Hi everyone, its me Spaz, your favorite CEO and the guy who signs your checks, lol.  It’s a small office I know, and I’m sure you heard the whooping from Splat and me on the other side of the door.  We’ve been in secret negotiations with Micramazoggle over the last few months and we just accepted an offer.  I know Splat and I have vilified Micramazoggle every single day since we started Sparkle!Whee! Inc., and maybe its the last thing you thought we would ever do, but when we saw all those zeros after a single digit, we couldn’t help ourselves.  I swear, Splat wet himself in shear joy.  So, in just a couple months, both Splat, me and the rest of you lot will all be employees of Micramazoggle!  Isn’t that great!

You may wonder what the future will hold, so Splat and I brainstormed a little summary of what to expect.

First, you won’t notice much difference other than the paychecks will be issued by a more legit payroll firm.  But that will only last until Micramazoggle’s facilities management team discovers us.  First, they will be a little concerned that we work out of a loft in the market district.  Sure, at first they will only try to put card key locks on the doors, but the minute they get a look at our furniture made out of found objects, that will be the end of that.  Soon we’ll be dragged across the water to the burbs and get assigned to one of their slightly used cube farms.  For most you, this will be a bonus since you’ll no longer have to drive an hour one way to work, but for the art department, well let us be honest here, really just for Brandon who lives in the co-op next door, this will suck quite a bit.  Sorry Brandon, but the zeros were so shiny that we didn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus.  Hey, I know, you could RIDE the bus, that’s cool right? 

Next, those very same people at Micramazoggle that brokered the acquisition will let their favorites consult for our business.  You see, in a fossilized corporate structure like Micramazoggle’s, it is very hard for an ambitious, young middle manager to break through to the upper levels.  As it so happens, one gateway to the top is to become part of the acquisition transition team.  Don’t worry, it will take them a while to figure out what you are doing, which will give you plenty of time to find some shelter.

You may be concerned that all of Micramazoggle’s interference will alienate our customers, and bless your heart for worrying, but you don’t need to.  You see, we’ve been assured by our new management that they will not interfere in our business in any way.  Except for maybe Splat and I will no longer write that hip banter that our customer’s love.  Instead, it will be done by a writing team comprised of ex-Daily Show and and ex-Ellen joke writers.  I’m sure our customers won’t notice a thing.  Oh, and Splat and I will no longer be setting up the deals that make Sparkle! Whee! Inc so popular, instead that will be done by Micramazoggle’s strategic sales division.  I bet Nike won’t hang up on them, right Splat?   And one more thing, Splat and I will no longer be managing you directly.  Instead we’ll get to lead you with vision.  Soon we’ll be heading off to Micramazoggle’s Product Strategy Vision Team whose goal is to create the soul of a startup in the heart of a monopoly. 

You might be wondering if any of those shiny zeros will be heading your way.  Well, in a manner of speaking, yes, a zero may heading your way.  First, we have to meet our obligations with our many fine investors over the years.  Then we have to pay back the loans from the millionaire loan sharks.  Then the venture financing firms.  And then, after proper application of the equity sharing formulas, your share will be something like 1/10,000th of what’s left.  A token amount, I’m sure, but I hear that Micramazoggle has a wonderful benefits plan and their Reward For Excellence program is an industry leader in employee compensation strategies.  I’m sure the fresh new thinking you’ll bring to Micramazoggle will shoot you all right to the top tranche!

Finally, Splat and I would like to ask you a favor.  Please no longer call us Splat and Spaz anymore.  When we were children, our childish ways made sense, but now we have to grow up.  From now on call us by our adult names, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Peter. 

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About dakliegg

Internet researcher, theorist and architect. Women love me, men want to be me.
This entry was posted in Satire. Bookmark the permalink.

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